Try and take care of something in Kyrgyzstan!

So I had to pay the bills and you'd say in Bishkek it must be easy. After all, it's the capital... Unless it isn't (easy, not capital). So far, I've had similar experience in Kyrgyzstan when trying to do some official business. Things just don't work, as if they decided, on purpose, to fight your efforts.

Alright, I had no idea how to pay it, but asked a local and was told to use the прием платежей terminals. Furthermore, I was explained I had to select the proper provider, enter лицовой счет (let's call it a Customer Identification Number, CIN for short) and voilà - that's it, welcome to the club.

Or not.

My first try was right outside the Star Business Centre (that's a euphemism for a building that can't even provide an office space with elevator access - if you're a disabled, bad luck!). There was a Мобильник terminal, but I couldn't find my service provider there. Probably because I am a n00b, doing it for the first time. Like a first sex kiss. Or a first dentist visit.

But unlike dentists, I had my second try right thereafter. I went to ВЕФА, which is a famous and large shopping center on the corner of Московская and Горького. It's a useless building apart from tasty кокке in an otherwise overpriced Plus Turkish супермаркет.

Now it's not that easy as it sounds (paying bills, not eating кокке). First off, you have to have exact amount of money to pay, in cash. The terminals, however wonderful life-facilitating machines they are, do not give change. So you look up the amount on your bill, add the fee (usually 5 сом), round up to the nearest 20... and hope you've got this precise exact amount of cash in your wallet.

If not, go and buy some stuff to get change (in case they are out of кокке, you can try сникерс. Or ржаной хлеб, if you're me). No one breaks your grand for free in Kyrgyzstan, ever. They all say: "К сожалению, I ain't have no помельче..." and appear clueless.

Well, I managed to gather enough banknotes in cash (when you pay 3390 it's quite a feat) and I still had four more bills to pay - four more arbitrary sums of cash.

'Damn, there has to be a better way!' I thought. Like... on-line banking set-up automated so that it pays your bills at the end of each month? Eh, screw it, you're in Kyrgyzstan, deal with it. And with these thoughts I approached the first terminal I could lay my sight on inside ВЕФА.

QIWI (mind you, that's not Cyrillic).

A pretty respectable one.

So I found my provider (hot water and central heating) - the company was listed there, yay! - entered my лицовой счет and crossed fingers I would not make any mistake. I actually hoped that after entering the number I would see a familiar name to know that I am depositing my money into the right account. But what did I see in reality?

Lo and behold!

Yes, I moved the error dialog box around as I love to do when Windows crashes - it's a touch screen after all, isn't it?

And this one is with an added bonus of the Start menu button.

In other words, better luck next time, sucker! Well, no matter, tomorrow is as good a day as any other, right? Unless... unless you wake up, go to 7-Дней supermarket, want to pay the bills, and then a thought strikes you:
'Hey, I can actually fill up my электронный кошелек and pay it on-line!'

That instantly removes the need to have precise amounts cash, rounded up to the nearest 20, and as a bonus - no commission! Alright, I'd already had a doshcard.kg account set up - a «ДОШ» кошелек - and I knew that there was a terminal close to my place where I could easily fill my e-wallet.

Off I went back home, checked online that doshcard.kg enabled me to pay all my bills (they had the right providers listed), calculated I'd need to put in an aggregate 4000 сом and so streaked right to the terminal (no, I wasn't naked).

Happy End? Not Quite.

The terminal - I'd used it multiple times before - decided he would not work. He, because things just get concious and they try to interfere with your duties, making your life miserable in the process. I feel like I am a little inconsequential meeple in a Sims 27,654th installment, being under the command of some super-advanced pesky alien teenage brat who's simply having fun with his newest virtual reality simulation.

But no such thing as that [read: controlling my fate] can make if only a slightest dent into my resolve.

I realized I hadn't been prepared; I didn't know where to go in case this terminal did not work. Terminals here usually work... unless you really really need them. Like, really.

So I went back home and what do you know! Doshcard.kg has a convenient map showing all the 800+ locations where you can пополнить your кошелек. Aahhh, the bliss of the Internet... Everything's at your fingertips. Everything but one f@#*ing прием платежей terminal.

The map said the closest place to fill up your кошелек with some 'goodies' was the Инвестбанк «Иссык-куль» HQ. But they charge you 5 som commission. Being a pennypincher as I am sometimes labeled by my bro' I decided to dig in and walk a block further, but in the other direction. There was not one, but two Оптима банк terminals that allow one to fill one's e-wallet free of charge. Both were supposedly located inside respective Народный supermarkets.

Well, I've spent in Бишкек a bit more than a year and don't remember any Народный supermarket anywhere in the vicinity of those precise locations, but, ah, what the heck. I am not an omniscient being (as I often foolishly try to convince myself) and blindly trusted The Internet. It's written. On-line. It has to be true.

Boy was I wrong!

At the first location there was no Народный and no Оптима банк terminal, however, there was an Оптима банк ATM! Needless to say, useless for me. So I carried on to the location of the other supposed Народный supermarket (and an Оптима банк terminal), all the while feeling vaguely, if apprehensively, hopeful, because I did not know that part of Bishkek very well - there may just be a Народный supermarket, after all!

But you know, whenever you feel hopeful, it usually doesn't work out... Take a date, for example. Invariably, there is a pit inside.

Anyway half-way there I started to harbor some doubts - what if the Оптима банк terminal actually was there, at the first location? What if it was inside that government building to which the ATM was affixed?

Payment terminals like these are often found in the same places as would-be suicide bombers (like Akhmed) - wherever there is a great concentration of people. God knows, maybe this terminal was hidden in the vestibule so that it does not get rained on. My reasonable doubt was enough to convince my unreasonably hopeful reason to go back and check it out.

Of course there was no Оптима банк terminal. What did you expect? So I had returned for nought...

Well, nothing can come even close to dampening my spirits, so I set off to the other Оптима банк terminal... only to find there was no Народный supermarket and yet again no Оптима Банк terminal. Halleluiah. What now? Where to go?

I suspected there was an Оптима actual банк on Чуй and Советская intersection; but that was fairly far. My comfortable me kicked in and ordered me to go home along Жибек-жолу. 'It will work out. Some terminal will pop up on the way.'

And indeed it did. First I found Планета электроники or something like that. But there was no terminal of the brand I was looking for (either 100 платежей or Оптима банк) and so I made up my mind to fill up my e-wallet at the 7-дней supermarket close to my home, no matter the commission.

As I was walking down Жибек-жолу (the Silk Road, mind you) I literally walked into an Оптима банк branch. And they had a payment terminal inside! However, no-one in the whole bank knew a single thing about the doshcard.kg e-wallet. Least of all the terminal itself. Even though the website doshcard.kg advertises Оптима банк terminals as the ones where you can fill your e-wallet up, it... just does not work. There is no such option on-screen.

Well, back to my original plan - fill up my Dosh e-wallet at 7-Дней. I tried the first terminal - no luck, Doshcard is not among the providers. The second (Мобильник) allowed me to do this transaction - but at what cost! The commission is 2% - that's 80 som! Which defeats the whole purpose of paying the bills through doshcard.kg. For that amount, you can buy three-and-a-half сникерс in order to break your notes. I wasn't gonna feed any Snickers to that terminal.

I've had enough. I decided, right there and then, to pay the bills straight at the machine, screw the Dosh кошелек, only to find out... I left the bills at home! Aaaaarrrghhh!!! Curse you, stupid f#&@ing alien controlling my fate in this huge computer-simulation-cum-virtual-reality game!

Ok, back home. But before, I tried the broken 100 Платежей terminal close to my home again - still broken. Interestingly, one button actually worked - the button for changing the interface language. It only worked half-assedly, though - it would changes the language (label) of only one item (button). The rest of the thing seemed to be frozen - no wonder in this wintry weather.

At home I checked the map yet again and found a whole slew of terminals along my way to work. I'd stopped being hopeful long ago; nevertheless, I still made a mental note of them.

Come 5.30 I go to work. First off, I try the damn broken 100 Платежей terminal again. And again, no luck. Then I head to ЦУМ because inside, there's a shitload of terminals. And according to the doshcard.kg website, one of them is supposed to be 100 Платежей. If even this does not work, I know for sure of another e-wallet brand that has a terminal inside ЦУМ.

Of course it did not work, what'd you expect, choc chip brownies, huh? Myriad of terminals, but no «100 Платежей» there. However, I did find the terminal of the other e-wallet service there - and it was Umai.kg. 'If it comes to worst,' I thought to myself, 'I will open up an Umai.kg account and pay it through there.' It does involve some extra effort, because you can open an account only on-line and then you have to go back to ЦУМ to deposit money and then back home to pay the bills on-line, but it seemed worth the effort to me. To prove I can win, if for nothing else.

I felt like a harnessed ass that always sees a carrot right in front of him. He doesn't know the carrot is being dangled by the wagoner sitting on the very coach he's pulling - so he always believes the carrot is so close.

No dice.

It was the same deal with me. I always thought it required only a little bit extra effort to fill my e-wallet account so that I could comfortably pay the bills on-line.

Again, I coould not pay my bills straaight away because I did not have time this time around - I'd be late for work. Still, I made a mental note of setting up an account at Umai.kg and come back to ЦУМ later. After I finished my lesson, I decided to walk back home (ЦУМ had been closed already) - and on the way check up on some alleged locations where I could, as old squaws used to whisper, fill up my Doshcard e-wallet.

Needless to say, no luck. There's no terminal at Эко-исламик банк (even though the map clearly shows one) and yet another terminal on Советская was also conspicuously missing.

Then, half-way, I decided, on an impulse, to get to the nearest Народный supermarket on Токтогула street. Maybe there will be an Оптима банк terminal and maybe, just maybe, there will be an option to fill up my e-wallet. On the way I found another terminal of an unknown brand, but this b*tch asked for 30 som commission.

No.

You're not gonna get anything from me.

I'm not gonna give up now I'm that close. Besides, I needed 3091 som, so had to put in 4000 сом sharp. With the commission being 30, I'd have to round it up to 4040 and that sucks. No way. That would work out probably even more expensive than just paying the bills as they are. Besides, I just don't give up, you sonofab*tch!

So I made my way to Народный - it actually was where it was supposed to be, what a great success! And there was an Оптима банк terminal! And... you could not fill your e-wallet there. Smashin', right? You feel like the word I-R-O-N-Y with its crumbling large styrofoam letters is toppling over only to bury you in a grandiose mess. Then you break free of this trash and continue...

...home? No, not yet. One more desperately hopeless attempt at the broken 100 Платежей terminal close to my home. Somehow, deep down, I believed someone may have reported it as dysfunctional, so that an ever-present handyman would arrive to - reboot it.

Nope.

Okay. Umai.kg to the resuce.

At home I logged on to Umai.kg, pressed создать новый аккаунт button and... уважаемые пользователи, к сожалению, на данный момент регистрация новых кошельков временно приостановлена по техническим причинам. This long text perfectly translates into English as a single word - frustration.

Okay, y aside, not all is lost, if the doshcard.kg has such an unreliable список or перечень of places where you can fill-up your wallet, no problem, I'll google «100 Платежей» website and they'll surely have an up-to-date list of all terminals in Bishkek.

Or not.

As it happens, 100 Платежей appears to be some sort of Russian, not Kyrgyz, payment company based in Омск. Good luck flying all the way to Siberia to fill your кошелек. A few moments later, after a detailed look at their website (I did not find a single mention of any payment terminal locations in Kyrgyzstan, let alone in Bishkek) I surmised it's an entirely different enterprise.

Which left me wondering... how come I cannot google the Kyrgyz one, even after putting in the highly specific «100 Платежей Бишкек» string? Sure, I did get a lot of third party results (actually, all the first page results bar the first one, the Russian company, referred to the Bishkek one), but none of them was the company's official website! Don't they have one?

Damn you, stupid... gaming... alien!

I started to become agitated and that's when I lose concentration plus my attention span drastically shortens. So I went to sleep. There's a day tomorrow... if the alien decides to boot up the simulation, that is.

Next morning I re-checked the doshcard.kg website and decided to go to the «Иссык-куль» Инвестбанк HQ to pay it at the counter. After all this ordeal I'd be infinitely grateful for a commission of only 5 сом!

Or maybe there is no trace of «Иссык-куль» Инвестбанк whatsoever, HQ or otherwise. The map shows the location at the intersection of Абдымомунова and Советская, listing it as Абдрахманова 133 (for those not familiar, Абдрахманова is the post-Soviet name of Советская that no-one uses); however, the reality shows № 133 is (in a galaxy) far, far away from this intersection. Instead, there is a branch of Эко-исламик банк. All right, no matter, I'll try this one.

Closed for lunch. Irony reaching record heights.

I head back home totally pissed, but not before I, again, for just about gazillionth time, try the broken 100 Платежей terminal that is still merrily shining, using up electricity, and bringing no revenues whatsoever to its owners. If the previous attempt was desperately hopeless, this one qualifies as hopelessly desperate.

This time, however, I notice there is a phone number on it. Yay! I can actually call the company and report the issue... where's my phone? At home, damn! I forgot it, this very time, when I could actually put to some use. 'Do not give up!' tells me my inner voice which I suspect is just a little computer virus in this huge simulation thru which my personal alien-controller is ridiculing me even more.

Don't give up. Right. There's... there's the website of the company! Epay.kg! So that's why I couldn't google it under 100 Платежей! That's merely their trade brand.

OK, I come home, immediately log in to epay.kg... сайт находится в стадии разработки. So that's the real why I couldn't google it. For non-Russian speakers, the aforementioned sentence translates simply as frustration squared.

Damn, damned, damnedest! Why can't I succeed? Why is this alien guy fooling around with me as if I were the elastic band in his undies?

Last resort - I'll google «location of 100 Платежей terminal» and if that does not work, screw it! I find a slew of websites, each proclaiming different locations as the truest in the world. I pick a few most trustworthy looking ones and embark on the final crusade. If this does not help - I believe it won't - I'm gonna pay the bills directly, no matter the amount of money spent on a dentist to fix my teeth after eating all those сникерс bars I would have to buy to get the precise amount of banknotes before paying the bills.

But first I try, again, the Эко-исламик банк branch. It's finally open after the lunch break. Of course, right at this very moment, there has too be a guy at the касса depositing a huge sum of money. I wait patiently and when it's finally my turn, ask: «Можно здесь пополнить электронный Дош кошелек?»
«No, try at the service counter»
But there's another queue. I wait, patiently, only to be told «No, it's not possible to do it here».

Off I go then.

On my way to a suspected 100 платежей terminal I pass the broken one and decide to call the number posted on it. What do you know, Ms Irony herself answers. Her voice is a little bit monotone, beep-beep-beep, sounding a bit like 'busy' phone signal.

I reach the supposed location of the other terminal and - surprise surprise! It actually is there. I can't believe my own eyes. After losing all my hope. Something will go wrong, I am sure. It will not accept my crumpled banknotes and regurgitate them in a spectacular manner. It will not print the чек and won't зачислить мои деньги on to my account. It will cheat on me with my wife, just because. I will not be able to pay the bills online. Anything to destroy my plans.

Well, in the end, all came to pass (though I could never reach the «100 Платежей» company, their phone being either busy or turned off) and I paid the bills, in the comfort of my home. Still, a thought lingers. I just spent my last three days running my ass off around the city plus the last three hours writing this post and...

... an anonymous child needs money for a kidney transplant.

These are... my problems?